Posted on

Beards & Strength

 Article written by Jay Stadtfeld for
Polar bears live in the coldest climate known to earth, of which we’ve given it the name of the Arctic. They have a thick pelt that shelters them from harsh winds and waters by which they hunt their favorite food, the Bearded Seal. What exactly does this have to do with training? Nothing, unless you count being furry part of your training.
Being bearded for some is not a choice. It’s needed for survival, especially in the case of our furry friend, the Polar bear. However, it seems to have fallen by the wayside for us humans. Perhaps even bordering the dreaded, “unprofessionalism”. Why is this so? Some of our greatest Presidents had facial hair: Abraham Lincoln, Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt, even James Garfield, whose beard could be argued that it was actually Garfield the cat living on his face. I’m not going to get into a political debate about bearding, but what I am going to do is tell you why you need to grow one, if you don’t already have one. I know, this post seems borderline sexist, but ladies, if you squint real hard and concentrate, you too may grow a luxurious mane of facial hair.
 Although the beard has fallen by the wayside these days, an increasing number of athletes (strength and otherwise) grow them. Ever hear of the Playoff beard? There’s a reason athletes grow it. It’s not because it keeps them warm. It’s because that the beard gives you powers you never knew you harnessed. With the beard, Thor himself couldn’t strike you down like the Ice Giants he slayed. His hammer would merely glance off your face like a pebble off your windshield. It’s science.
With the meets I’ve done, I’ve gone both clean shaven and bearded. I hardly think it’s much a coincidence that I performed better when I had the beard versus when I did not. In two meets of which I had a style of beard, I took first in the 198’s and second in the 220’s (I weighed 198.4 in this meet). In the meet of which I didn’t have the beard and was instead clean shaven? I took fourth in the 198’s. I’m not sure why, but with a beard I feel much more confident in what I’m capable of than without. Perhaps it’s like Julian (Frankenstein) in Big Daddy when he was given those sunglasses that Adam Sandler said made him invisible to everyone. Maybe I feel impervious to everything that surrounds me, like I’m built of some form of Atomic energy, just waiting for someone to push that red button.
Reasons you need a beard:
                     Your immediate level of awesome will improve twelve fold.
                     What’s cooler than seeing a man with a gnarly beard? Exactly. Nothing. Especially if he can move boulders.
                     Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Wendler, myself… we all have the beard.
                     Women, buy this and profit. Trust me. I wouldn’t lead you astray.
                     Seriously. Do it.
                     You’ll gain more respect from women who actually know what a man truly is and stands for. Don’t believe me? I was in a restaurant the other day and made mention that men who shave their chests aren’t manly. We’re designed to be furry creatures. Our waitress spoke up and said, “Amen”. It’s fact.
If you’re a serious athlete, you’ll understand just why the beard is important. It’s important for survival, for procreation, for showing your neighbor that you are ready to unleash the ferret that lives within your beard if he doesn’t mow his lawn sometime this year. Go forth and be bearded, my friends!
Bless you laddy, bless you.
References: “Mammals – Polar Bear.” San Diego Zoo, n.d. Web. 10 July 2012. <>.

14 thoughts on “Beards & Strength

  1. The day after I shave mine off. Damnit.

  2. Where do we stand on hairy backs? Haha

  3. i am proud of my hairy back. pretty sure it multiplies my strength by awesome to the 10th power. plus mosquitoes get tangled up and die in it before they can even get to my skin. perfect for going shirtless outdoors.

  4. I agree with this article 174%, only problem for me is that firefighters (in some services, including mine) can’t have beards because of our self-contained breathing apparatus. I miss my beard, but ’tis a noble sacrifice.

  5. They’ll get my face armor when they shave it off my cold dead face.

  6. So for a guy like me whose beard comes in all scraggily and patchy…am i less manly? I can grow a wicked stash!

  7. Hell no, a sweet ass stash is all I am authorized to grow in the military.

    When do we expect to see the LBEB ginger beard shirt?

  8. And/or womens underware?

  9. I am two months into growing my beard and I completely agree. I have been setting PRs in everything and I feel extra manly.

  10. Once tried dating a guy who couldn’t grow a beard and “didn’t like to work out.” Needless to say he didn’t get to see my snatch… Neither of em. Beards4Lyfe

  11. Oh hey, that’s my face!
    I would like to point out that I made the mistake of shaving that finely sculpted neckbeard the night before my very first olympic lifting meet. As a result, I went 4 for 6 and took second in my weight class.
    If I had left the beard as is, I would have gone 7 for 6 and taken first, second, and third in my weight class. It’s science.

  12. i cant grow a beard! im a UPS driver

  13. My job told me not to grow one. … I’m a chef … I told them I would wear a hairnet on my face before I would shave it which complies with health code so a win for the beards … if all else fails it’s a religious belief 🙂

  14. Beards!!! I instantly surfed waves twice as big as when I was beardless.My training gains went up jiu jittsu got more tech….and I can fly.B E A R D S

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.